Pay-back

     I was raised a Co-dependent, subtly of course. I mean, who would say it out loud: "You are here to make me feel better about myself." And because I had a few attachment issues, I was not able to really know myself very well until later in my life. I did not have the ability to rush out and do things on my own; I was dependent on others for my own sense of worth. And then I went to a Co-Dependent's Anonymous meeting for the first time.
      That first day a woman said, "I have a sign on my refrigerator that says, 'Don't should on yourself.'" I wrote that down. I wish I could say I immediately stopped shoulding on myself and others. It takes practice to make that kind of change.
      I used to laugh at the saying, "God loves you and I have a wonderful plan for your life." But I must admit I was like that, thinking I knew what God wanted for other people, when I honestly wasn't quite sure about myself!
      I don't think I should on myself as much, though I still do it to others sometimes...and hate it that I do! Because I know what I feel like when others should on me.
      Other people know how I should feel about things that are happening in my life. Other folks know how I should react to my present reality.
      It has been a good, humbling, difficult experience to be on this end of codependent craziness. I apologize to everyone I have ever shoulded on!

A Lifetime

     My super daughter has been cleaning up my office, shredding papers, and getting me organized. At first it was a bit hard for me to cope with - I didn't like the clutter, but somehow it was comforting to have piling up around me! I do like organization however!
     We've shredded some of my journals and saved others. We've read old letters and looked at drawings Sharon did as a 3 year old. On to the next project.
     I had started scanning slides into my extended hard drive...and Sharon and Ryan will work on this project in the next couple of days. These are a compilation of my father's slides and ours. I have no idea what is in there. And I'm pretty sure I will be tossing many, but it is a delight to look at these together with Sharon. It's like going backwards to another time and another place together.

At the beach

      My hope is to put stories, slides, and other memories together for my kids and grandkids. What memories we have, and I didn't even know I was creating this treasure trove!

Marvin and Friend
 

Sharon loves her baby brother

 
 

Living a Day at a Time

     Some time ago, when my life was even busier than it is today (really?)...I began to practice just doing what was in front of me for the moment. I had grown weary of worrying about tomorrow, because I figured out that what Jesus said was wise...I can't add one day to my life by worrying. What He didn't say was that I can shorten my life by worrying.
     I've tried to practice not dealing too much with the next thing. Sometimes, to be honest, it has cost me some money, especially when caring for my husband. But my mind is clearer, more at peace, when I am not fretting.
     I still do plan ahead if I'm going to travel by airplane. I'm always looking to get the best deal, with the connections and seats that I want. But there are other areas of my life where I try to go with the flow.
     Employment is one. I have sometimes simply been at the right place at the right time, or known the right people. And although I have to interview, fill out paperwork, and all the rest, I haven't had to search long or hard for work. I am thankful for that. No, I am not and never will be, independently wealthy. I will probably always have to work, but more and more I feel like I get to work, because I like what I do.
     And I'm thankful I can do what I feel called and gifted to do. I will not be working at a daycare, nor will I be doing programs at Parks and Recreation. I will leave that to younger people!
     So, how do you get balance in your life--living one day at a time, while being aware of the future?
    
    
    

A Faithful God

     I was troubled this morning when I awoke. Many things were on my mind, and so I did what I do: I started journaling. Most of my journal entries include things  about the day or days before: things I wish I had not said...things that  annoyed me...things I found delightful. When I have (excuse the graphic language) thrown up on the paper, I often write specifically to God. Today I wrote: "So Jesus, what do You want to tell me today?"
     I opened the Bible to the place I was reading in the Gospel of John, and in 3 verses, God answered my question very clearly. I laughed out loud; what joy I felt to know that He knows me and wants to communicate with me this way!
     You may think that's coincidence; you may not believe anything the Bible says; you might think I'm nuts. That's okay. I know He loves me and keeps wanting me to understand my life and what it means.