Pay-back

     I was raised a Co-dependent, subtly of course. I mean, who would say it out loud: "You are here to make me feel better about myself." And because I had a few attachment issues, I was not able to really know myself very well until later in my life. I did not have the ability to rush out and do things on my own; I was dependent on others for my own sense of worth. And then I went to a Co-Dependent's Anonymous meeting for the first time.
      That first day a woman said, "I have a sign on my refrigerator that says, 'Don't should on yourself.'" I wrote that down. I wish I could say I immediately stopped shoulding on myself and others. It takes practice to make that kind of change.
      I used to laugh at the saying, "God loves you and I have a wonderful plan for your life." But I must admit I was like that, thinking I knew what God wanted for other people, when I honestly wasn't quite sure about myself!
      I don't think I should on myself as much, though I still do it to others sometimes...and hate it that I do! Because I know what I feel like when others should on me.
      Other people know how I should feel about things that are happening in my life. Other folks know how I should react to my present reality.
      It has been a good, humbling, difficult experience to be on this end of codependent craziness. I apologize to everyone I have ever shoulded on!

A Lifetime

     My super daughter has been cleaning up my office, shredding papers, and getting me organized. At first it was a bit hard for me to cope with - I didn't like the clutter, but somehow it was comforting to have piling up around me! I do like organization however!
     We've shredded some of my journals and saved others. We've read old letters and looked at drawings Sharon did as a 3 year old. On to the next project.
     I had started scanning slides into my extended hard drive...and Sharon and Ryan will work on this project in the next couple of days. These are a compilation of my father's slides and ours. I have no idea what is in there. And I'm pretty sure I will be tossing many, but it is a delight to look at these together with Sharon. It's like going backwards to another time and another place together.

At the beach

      My hope is to put stories, slides, and other memories together for my kids and grandkids. What memories we have, and I didn't even know I was creating this treasure trove!

Marvin and Friend
 

Sharon loves her baby brother

 
 

Living a Day at a Time

     Some time ago, when my life was even busier than it is today (really?)...I began to practice just doing what was in front of me for the moment. I had grown weary of worrying about tomorrow, because I figured out that what Jesus said was wise...I can't add one day to my life by worrying. What He didn't say was that I can shorten my life by worrying.
     I've tried to practice not dealing too much with the next thing. Sometimes, to be honest, it has cost me some money, especially when caring for my husband. But my mind is clearer, more at peace, when I am not fretting.
     I still do plan ahead if I'm going to travel by airplane. I'm always looking to get the best deal, with the connections and seats that I want. But there are other areas of my life where I try to go with the flow.
     Employment is one. I have sometimes simply been at the right place at the right time, or known the right people. And although I have to interview, fill out paperwork, and all the rest, I haven't had to search long or hard for work. I am thankful for that. No, I am not and never will be, independently wealthy. I will probably always have to work, but more and more I feel like I get to work, because I like what I do.
     And I'm thankful I can do what I feel called and gifted to do. I will not be working at a daycare, nor will I be doing programs at Parks and Recreation. I will leave that to younger people!
     So, how do you get balance in your life--living one day at a time, while being aware of the future?
    
    
    

A Faithful God

     I was troubled this morning when I awoke. Many things were on my mind, and so I did what I do: I started journaling. Most of my journal entries include things  about the day or days before: things I wish I had not said...things that  annoyed me...things I found delightful. When I have (excuse the graphic language) thrown up on the paper, I often write specifically to God. Today I wrote: "So Jesus, what do You want to tell me today?"
     I opened the Bible to the place I was reading in the Gospel of John, and in 3 verses, God answered my question very clearly. I laughed out loud; what joy I felt to know that He knows me and wants to communicate with me this way!
     You may think that's coincidence; you may not believe anything the Bible says; you might think I'm nuts. That's okay. I know He loves me and keeps wanting me to understand my life and what it means.
    

Care About the Important Stuff

     Years ago I would begin preparing for my parents' visits almost a month ahead of time. I would clean the oven and refrigerator. I would seek and destroy cobwebs. At other times I cleaned, but not like I did when my mother was coming. Somehow I felt like I would be judged if something was out of place, dusty, or unkempt.
     As my mother grew older, she couldn't keep up with the cleaning. I visited once and was astonished to find dust on the furniture. It was only then that I realized a clean house wasn't the most important thing; relationships and spending time with people you care about was number one.
     So I'm up at 4:30 this morning, changing sheets for company coming, doing a load of towels, finishing the cleaning jobs I've been working on. I might not get them all done with the other responsibilities I have, but I'll give it a shot.
     I won't sweat what doesn't get done though, because I will be spending time with my beautiful daughter and her husband, and my amazing grandsons, Ryan, Niko, and Chase. They are stopping here on their way out of the country, and it will be awhile before I see them in person again. Gotta make these moments count!
      It reminds me of the story found in Luke where Jesus and the disciples stop at their friends' home in Bethany, outside of Jerusalem. Martha, Lazarus, and Mary have hosted Jesus and his friends many times. Culture dictated certain amenities for guests, and Martha got busy providing. As she worked in the kitchen, preparing a meal for approximately 20 people, she did her best.
     As she cleaned and prepared the food, no doubt, she looked forward to listening to the stories Jesus would tell. But she was stuck and beginning to feel left out and used. Her sister, Mary, ignored all the work that needed to be done as a hostess...she didn't want to miss one word Jesus spoke, so she sat at his feet and listened intently.
     My grandsons are 11, 8, and 4. I've always lived far from them, but kept up through SKYPE and visits. However, I've missed a lot. I know them, but I don't. So, cobwebs and dust might invade, but I won't miss the best parts: learning more and more about these boys, who they are becoming, and how they want to impact their world.
    

God is Good

     Thinking about God's intervention in my life today since it's my birthday, and a good day for reflecting...that's what old people do, you know --- remember the past! Maybe it's because we kind of know what the future holds by this time.
     I am thankful that I was born into a home where I was taught about the Scripture, taken to church, heard people pray. The proverb which says, "Train a child up in the way he/she should go, and when they are old, they will not depart from it." That doesn't mean that what I was taught was perfect. Nor does it mean that I didn't depart for awhile. But God always placed people in my path who knew Him, guided my steps, provided counsel, prayer, and encouragement, and helped me return to Him. A few of them nudged me by their joyful, exciting spiritual journeys that made me desperate to know what they had.
     I am thankful.
     I am thankful for the craziness that came with marrying Marvin Helsel, Jr. 42 years ago next month. So many good times, including our children, Sharon Elizabeth Helsel Bernhardt, and Philip Samuel Helsel. I am thankful for Casey Bernhardt, Ryan, Niko, and Chase and for Carolyn Browning Helsel, Caleb and Evelyn. How wonderful to have a family who loves and cares about each other.
     I am thankful for the friends I cherish from all over the world. What a rich blessing.
     I am thankful for the many jobs I've had so far, and for the bosses, some of whom drove me nuts - but taught me a lot.
     I am thankful for God's provisions in my life - financial when I was worried and fretting; emotional when I was devastated by others; physical when disease and danger camped on our doorstep.
     So many adventures which God used to prune, test, and grow us. Good is good, so good to me. 
    

Should Christians Grieve?

     I've written before about my mother's death, and how I warned my father and brother that I was going to cry. I learned to grieve when she died, allowing myself a daily time to cry if I felt like it.
     Many people in Christian circles talk about positive attitudes, always being "up" and never feeling our negative emotions...like it somehow makes us bad examples to be angry or sad, because Christians are supposed to be happy and positive all the time.
     I understand the havoc a negative, critical demeanor creates in the heart if allowed to reside there and fester. Perhaps the reason we tend to become so negative is that we have allowed junk to accumulate inside, while pretending to be happy on the outside.
     I wish we had a different expectation: that Christians would be REAL, experiencing joy and sorrow, dealing with anger and disappointment in a healthy way.
     The scripture shows people being REAL. Even Jesus was frustrated with faithless people and angry at hypocrisy. He was sad when His friends were grieving, and as He watched entire religious institutions deny the power of God among them, He cried. He became upset. He was REAL.
     Perhaps our reticence to be honest with our feelings has more to do with our fear of being "out of control" if we begin to feel. In truth, if we stuff our feelings, one day we will be out of control with them. They will only stay hidden so long, and when they come out, it's like a balloon exploding all over everyone.
     I am in a quandary. As I deal with my spouse's Huntington's Disease, I feel the pressure to not feel my unpleasant feelings. I do rejoice much of the time, and will continue --- even in death. Because I know that there is no H.D. in Heaven.
     But for now I go from day to day, constantly moving from joy to sadness and back again, as I watch the man I love and have loved (and sometimes not liked so much) deteriorate before my eyes.
    I often need someone who will do what Paul wrote about when he said: "Grieve with those who grieve, and rejoice with those who rejoice." My children do that well, and allow me the privilege to real.
    And God does too. I throw myself on the words of David in the Psalms. I find comfort in Jesus' compassionate preparation for His first followers: "In this world you will have trouble; but take heart. I have overcome the world."
    The words of Paul in Thessalonians help me live in reality as well: "We do not grieve as people who have no hope." I count on that...and my grieving is hopeful of something better ahead!