Grief Connected

     I don't know what else to call this feeling of grief.
     Today my father-in-law will be saying goodbye to his eldest son, my husband...probably for the last time. Grandpa is moving across the country to live with his granddaughter and be close to his daughter.
     I was surprised these last two days to experience this flood of emotions. As I wrote about it, I realized it's about a father and son never seeing each other again in this life...but also about the fact that we are ALL going to say goodbye to Marvin Jr. and none of us knows when that will be. It's about grief connecting with grief.
     Sometimes I try very hard to avoid grief, but in the past few years, it sneaks up on me, and pours out at the most inopportune moments. People don't know what to do or say if I start weeping. I can't help it. I am able to exert self-control over grief IF I have been faithful to grieve sufficiently when I am alone. Otherwise, it's like a full cup of water that is added to and overflows.
     Most people do anything to avoid crying, and to avoid other people who are crying. Crying is so important to our mental and physical health.
     What have you felt like weeping about recently?

Feelings

     Feelings are such interesting and complicated parts of our lives. We cannot separate ourselves from our feelings and be truly healthy and human. We are made to feel.
     Jesus felt frustration, sadness, anger, and extreme joy. It seems he even felt hurt when, in the Garden, he said, "Could you not watch with me one hour?" He was disappointed in people.
     Many of us were taught some of these things as we grew up:
-- stop crying and be a man, indicating that real men don't cry
-- knock it off or I'll give you something be mad/to cry about
-- don't get so excited; it's not that big of a deal
-- you don't really feel that way
     Affirming and understanding feelings is a way to help us learn to return to calm and peace from those feelings. When I tell Jesus  my feelings, I feel his compassion and comfort.
     If I refuse to admit that I have those feelings, they don't go away as some people suppose. Instead, they go deep inside. When enough stuffed emotions fill us up, the next logical step is explosion.
     Today I am sad about the ravages of Huntington's Disease on people I love.
A verse I've been thinking of for 2 days is this from Jesus: "In this world, you will have trouble, but take heart for I have overcome the world."
     Thank goodness this is not all there is!

Do you crack yourself up?

     That's probably a very poor English sentence...but that's what I want to ask!
I just don't want to be the only one who regularly laughs at myself.
     I love this city. I want to do some research on the building of Seattle and putting in all these streets that go around, on top, and sometimes through the mountains that surround us. Maybe it will help me understand my GPS!
     Yesterday I was looking for that specialty shoe store. I had the address. I put in my GPS. On the way to the nursing home, I looked for it, and did not find it. After I left the nursing home, I searched again. I found the street names, but many of them were dead ends. The GPS kept saying, "turn towards...." I did and it didn't go through. So I turned around. I must have done that about 4 times.
     When I finally reached the store, and found what I wanted, I was delighted. I also was able to just "let go" of my crazy journey. I continue to surprise myself by no longer getting angry or upset when I get lost or when streets end abruptly. I just whip into someone's driveway and back out going the other direction.
     I am so thankful for: Rose Marie Wrung introducing me to Thrive Ministries, and the JOY work they do, for Living From the Heart Jesus Gave You and Joy Starts Here, books published Shepherd Publishing and Thrive.
     I am thankful to finally know --- in my heart and soul, not just in my head, how much Jesus loves me.

Stripped and Cut Down

    They came early this morning. They walked around the yard and looked for the blue tape which marked the trees destined to fall.
    As I sat at my table, writing, I watched as a man harnessed himself to the tree and reached for the chainsaw attached to his belt. He trimmed the lower branches first, and climbed ever higher, stripping the tree of all foliage. Then he sawed off the top of the tree and worked his way down.
    This property was left to the elements for some time before my landlady bought it. As a corner lot, there are many trees, and it's beautiful. It is not, however, easy to care for. Some trees had to go so that other things could grow correctly. I am not a tree hugger, but I was surprised at my initial response - a little ping of remorse in my heart.
     I love the trees of the northwest. They are amazing to see and smell. I love the sounds of the wind whispering and sometimes shouting through them. I know some have to be removed, but I don't have to like it!

The End is Not the End

Been studying the Gospel of John again. In chapter 11, Jesus heard that His friend, Lazarus, was ill. He then makes some enigmatic statements, which the disciples don't understand:
     ---Lazarus' sickness will not end in death.
     ---Lazarus has fallen asleep, but I will wake him up.
     ---Finally Jesus declares clearly: Lazarus is dead.


Jesus reminds the disciples that the final goal is that His glory be seen in all circumstances so that they would believe in Him.


My musings from these verses: 


The END MAY NOT BE THE END:
     ---The end of childhood (age) does not necessarily mean the end of childlikeness.
     ---The end of schooling does not mean the end of learning and education.
     ---The end of singleness by getting married does not necessarily mean the end of loneliness.
     ---The end of a career does not mean the end of working.
     ---When children grow up and move out of the house, it is not the end of parenting.


You can make your own list from your life experiences. When something ended, was it really the end? How can God be glorified through it all and your faith increased?

TIME ZONES

      My life is connected to several time zones: my son is 3 hours ahead of me; my father is 1 hour ahead of me; and my daughter is 14 hours ahead of me. It's that last one that gives me the most trouble. I have a clock next to my computer that is set for Indonesian time so I don't have to try to remember it!
      Some states have more than one time zone, but not Washington. Why is it then, that when I think about calling a friend on the east side of the Cascades, my first consideration is, "What time is it there?"
      It seems like a much greater distance than it really is --- from East to West of the mountains. It's not just the miles that separate us in this state. There are so many differences in culture, politics, and more.
      It feels like I've moved to a new time zone. We are going to need a new definition of time travel!
     

God Works Things Out

     I wrote this yesterday, but didn't publish it.


     On this day 43 years ago, I woke up in my parents' basement in Port Angeles and wondered if I was making a mistake. By the end of the day I would be married and stepping into a completely different world than the one I knew.
     Today Marvin and I are going to be focusing on the funny stories from these years. Here are a few:
--- July, hot, and Marvin started out with long underwear on, as a joke, but had to take them off when it became stifling hot!
--- We went to church the next morning, and went to 3 campmeetings on our honeymoon. We also read Lillie McCutcheon's, The Symbols Speak, on that trip. Not to mention spending 3 weeks with his family in Kansas. What????
--- Baked 8 pies a day to sell at the college snack bar and transported them in our Austin Healey.
--- Moved to California and drove for miles in the desert sand --- because we did not believe the map was right when it said I-10 was not yet completed.
--- Hired as youth pastors and lived in the church nursery...had the biggest (3 stall) bathroom, and huge kitchen.
--- Moved to our own apartment and then the earthquake struck...Marvin thought I was shaking him awake.
--- Moved to Ontario and lived in a 100 yr. old house that was a parsonage. Marvin was a 22 yr. old pastor. We knew so little about what we were doing.
--- In Ontario Marvin not only blew himself off of an in-ground gas tank, he went sky-diving for the first and last time---on a dare from his Sunday school class.