Noticing

     In a small town, some things are too big to miss. When a prominent community leader has an affair, it can't be hidden long. If a loving, caring person suddenly changes and turns violence on themselves or others, it's going to be known by many. Then something else happens. When we see people in these situations---at the grocery store or in the post office -- we don't know what to say. We don't want to make people cry, but we don't want to appear unconcerned.
     A hurting friend of mine told me recently that she cries any time anyone expresses their understanding about her difficult situation. I know what she means. It's like you have a huge, open sore, and someone accidentally touches it---ouch! And the tears tumble.
     I've been that way many times in my life. I once told a doctor: "I need some medication during my grief- I can't keep crying like this when people are nice to me!"
     This week I spoke with a relative of mine. We spent some time together when we were young. As we talked about family, she said to me, "When you would leave after a visit, we would talk about how you were not happy. When your parents took in other children in need, we said, "Why would they do that when they don't like their own children?"
      I was taken aback...shocked that someone recognized my unhappiness, saw my sorrow. I have often thought my parents were so wounded themselves that they couldn't fully connect with me or my brother. Sometimes I wondered if I was making it all up, that perhaps I simply misunderstood their love language.
      To know that my pain was visible, that I was not just super-sensitive, wow - it was affirming, and in a strange way, healing. I know I cannot go back and fix anything. But I can know that I knew what I knew!
      Oh, I want my kids to know I love them. I cherish our times together. I want to be with them and their children.
      I am so thankful for God's continued revelations to me. He wants total freedom, and it takes a while when you're as old as I am! He just never gives up --- thank goodness.