When the Hospice nurse asked me this question, I saw it---I felt it in the pit of my stomach, a shift, a change of paradigm for me: "Has Marvin talked about how he feels about end-of-life?" I said, "Oh, yes. For years he talked about ending his own life; he didn't want to live this way."
What had I just said? It hit me---this existence is not what Marvin ever wanted. The logical follow-up question was, "So, why am I trying so hard to keep him here?"
What we know in our heads often seeps slowly into our hearts and souls. It is one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I've done some really hard things in this relationship. I must let him go.
I am so, so grateful for Life Model Works, and for Joy Starts Here, and the skills I have learned. I feel like I'm in a workshop, and I'm just learning how to transition from one reality to another. Learning to feel my feelings, to express them, to allow pain, suffering and JOY to exist simultaneously inside of me. I never knew that was possible before LMW.
My goal these days: INCREASE my JOY CAPACITY...more visits to Puget Sound and the Olympic Peninsula, listening to ferry horns and sea gulls...more talks with loving, supportive family and friends...more water walking and relaxation...more music that I love...more REAL laughter...and yes, more counseling, prayer, and times of quieting myself with Him.
I am thankful for all of my family and friends who are so supportive of our journey.
it has been a privilege journeying with you, Karen. discovering a bigger view of God has been my focus as the day to day can easily overwhelm me. to show up as is, not how i was or hope to one day be. getting to know the real me in relationship to God and others. to be heard and seen and accepted. i am finding a missing piece/peace that had escaped me up to now. keep writing!
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