Aging

     Do you think about the aging process a lot? Everything is affected as we age: 
--our memories
--our physical flexibility
--our mental acuity
--our sleep
and so much more.
     I enjoy listening to conversations at the nursing home where Marvin resides. It makes me wish I had known these people years ago. I wonder about their life experiences, their jobs, their families. Where did they live? What did they love doing in their lives? 
     Some are absolutely delightful to speak to, very upbeat, funny, and interested in others. Like the man who is very physically limited---yesterday the aide said, "So is your food good?" He quickly replied, "No, it's not good---(pause)---it's GREAT!" 
     There's a gentleman who walks into the dining room with a walker, and stops at every table to greet other residents. He says, "Good afternoon, ladies. How are you today?" I think it's a highlight for them. One day after he passed by, a woman said to her tablemate, "That's my doctor...he's such a good doctor!" 
     We are taught as little ones to become independent and self-sufficient. As we get to the end-of-life events, we must learn to let go and ask for help. 
     Oh, boy, there's so much to learn, isn't there?

     What are you working on as you age?  A sense of humor? Compassion? Relaxation? Fretting and worry? Fear and frustration?  Let's help each other get old gracefully!

Laughing at Myself

     I find many reasons to laugh at myself. I guess that means I'm pretty good at entertaining myself! 
     Some past chuckles: 
-- when I accidently grabbed the hairspray instead of the after shower body spray! Had to have a 2nd shower.
-- when I discovered a dryer sheet attached to my slacks when I got in my car to go home AFTER a church service. 
     I discovered the validity of the JOY definition from Dr. James Wilder: JOY is when someone is glad to be with you. They show it on their faces and in their eyes---lighting up like I do when I get to be with my grandkids or my JOY friends!
     Recently, I decided to try an experiment (and invited others to join me via Facebook): Stand in front of the mirror and look deeply into your own eyes...then begin to smile at yourself. When you have a full-faced smile, take a selfie and then look at it through your day. Pay attention to how your body feels, your thoughts about this photo, and whatever else comes to mind. 
     I actually tried it myself, and found it a bit disconcerting. When I took the photo, I felt like I was smiling with my whole face and eyes. But when I looked back at the saved picture, I was not smiling like I do when I see people I delight to be with. 
     I will be doing some journaling about that...because I think it is a lesson. Laughing with myself or at myself isn't the same thing as being JOYFUL to be with myself!  
     Your thoughts?

FEELINGS

     This has been a season of feelings. Isn't all of life about feelings? It is, but we are often pretty adept at controlling feelings, stuffing them, avoiding them, or denying we even have them. Here are some of the feelings of the past week or so:

• So much gratitude: for my Immanuel prayer coach who is guiding some deep healing.  
  
• My children and grandchildren: who talk to me, pray for me, understand me, and love me.    
• My Church of God heritage and its deep message and meaning for my life.  
• The Hospice nurse and other workers who care so much for Marvin and me. 
  
• The Northshore Senior Center Wellness nurse and the grief group leaders.  
• The ability to be with old friends from our days in Thailand, even in the middle of their and my grief.                                                                   
• My Life Model JOY friends who accept me like I am because they understand. 
  
• My generous landlady and the apartment she allows me to rent.                
• Music, old and new, that says exactly what I need to hear.

GRATITUDE---one of those feelings.  For what are you thankful today? Make a list and let it sink in all day long! Share it with someone and you multiply joy and gratitude.

HOLDING UP EACH OTHER'S ARMS

   This morning the words spilled out on my journal as they often do. I wrote to HIM about my feelings, grief, and pain. I asked HIM to strengthen me in my inner spirit. After HIS assurance that HE is with me in this journey I'm on, I went to the scripture...where I was reading about a battle in the Old Testament. This isn't the place I expect to find a lot of comfort.  But here's what happened.     Moses sent Joshua and some others to fight the Amalekites. Moses went up on a hill with Aaron and Hur. When Moses held up his arms, the Israelites were winning. When his arms got tired and dropped to his sides, they were losing. Aaron and Hur found a place for Moses to sit, and each held up one arm until the battle was done.
    The next sentence in my journal said:  "People who hold up my arms in this HD battle."  And I made a list.  If you're reading this, you're probably on the list!  There are 62 names on the list. There may be more, but here's how I ended the journal entry:
    "WOW, Jesus, this is an amazing answer to my need. I will fight until the HD battle is conquered.

A New Paradigm

     When the Hospice nurse asked me this question, I saw it---I felt it in the pit of my stomach, a shift, a change of paradigm for me:  "Has Marvin talked about how he feels about end-of-life?" I said, "Oh, yes. For years he talked about ending his own life; he didn't want to live this way."  

     What had I just said? It hit me---this existence is not what Marvin ever wanted. The logical follow-up question was, "So, why am I trying so hard to keep him here?"

     What we know in our heads often seeps slowly into our hearts and souls. It is one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I've done some really hard things in this relationship. I must let him go.

     I am so, so grateful for Life Model Works, and for Joy Starts Here, and the skills I have learned. I feel like I'm in a workshop, and I'm just learning how to transition from one reality to another. Learning to feel my feelings, to express them, to allow pain, suffering and JOY to exist simultaneously inside of me. I never knew that was possible before LMW. 

     My goal these days: INCREASE my JOY CAPACITY...more visits to Puget Sound and the Olympic Peninsula, listening to ferry horns and sea gulls...more talks with loving, supportive family and friends...more water walking and relaxation...more music that I love...more REAL laughter...and yes, more counseling, prayer, and times of quieting myself with Him.

     I am thankful for all of my family and friends who are so supportive of our journey.

     

A Signature

    It started with a discussion in a case management meeting: Marvin is losing weight, about a pound a week. Several things may be contributing to that weight loss---insufficient sleep which makes swallowing very tiring for him, not enough aides who know how to feed him and I can no longer go twice a day, and more.
    Someone in our case management meeting asked if we needed to have Marvin evaluated for Hospice. It seemed like a kind of "final" step, but I felt like I wanted to hear what they had to say.
    Today I met with a Hospice worker. She saw Marvin and took his blood pressure, and heart rate. It took her a bit to realize that he could not respond to her when she asked if he was in pain.
    After she briefly examined Marvin, he was put to bed and we went across the hall to discuss the situation. After we talked awhile, I asked her, "So when will you make the determination of whether he qualifies or not?" She said, "Oh, he qualifies."
    Such a simple statement, but I wanted to just curl up on the floor. I held it together and stayed in my chair.
    The forms came next, everything signed electronically. With my signature, I committed my husband into the care of Hospice personnel who will work with the nursing home from now on. I walked out with the 3-ring binder describing everything they will do for Marvin and for me.
     Yes, I am sad, but I am so thankful for what is going to be provided.
     God reminds me that He will always provide what I need...and He has never failed me yet.