NEW DAYS

     This morning I have been thinking about my JOY Bank. That is the part of me where I store all of those amazing things that can bring me JOY almost instantaneously. It's usually just a written word, a picture representing some-thing, an idea, a memory, a voice. You get the idea. 
      The reason for a JOY Bank is that some days experiences, people, or crises, can suck the JOY right out of you before you know it. In order to stay connected, we must have some reserves to access JOY STRENGTH.
      This weekend I experienced some struggles in that area. I find I need to guard my time, my mind, and my heart better. If I participate in activities that sap me without the off-setting JOY STRENGTH, it takes much more time to recover.
      When I feel this way, I can also see my reflection in the mirror: I too, can sap people's JOY if I am not self-aware, listening well, and able to connect in JOY. I've done that this past week too. Then I have to do some relationship repairs if it's possible.
      Thankfully I remember: "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness, O Lord."
      It's a new MONDAY. Thank goodness!

FEELING STUCK?

      My car was listed on the RECALL list for front airbag replacement. I made an appointment at a local Toyota dealership and showed up at the appointed time and place. 

      The dealership has a new building that feels like a self-sustaining city. It's huge, with lots of open space, windows, computer stations, coffee and tea, vending machines, and LOTS OF PEOPLE: employees, technicians, janitors, and customers.

      After "registering," I sat down in the lobby to wait. I brought a book, some writing materials, but mostly enjoyed people-watching. There were people from many ethnic backgrounds, speaking languages I could not understand, young parents entertaining little ones, middle aged and older folks looking at their phones, watching the news, or talking with others. It was a very busy place.

      I moved around a bit, trying to exercise my post-op sore leg and knee. As I sat for awhile at a little round table near the show-room, I watched folks come in to look at cars, while others sat at desks and signed papers for their new cars. 

      Slowly I became aware of movement to my left, behind me a bit. It was like pounding or slapping of some kind of hard surface. What was to my left was a new SUV. I had seen a person checking out the interior, seated in the front. As I looked closer, I saw through the tinted window, the form of a woman, hitting the back door glass. It seemed strange to me.  

       I walked over to the front door of the car where the window was DOWN. I stuck my head in and said to a middle aged Asian woman: "Do you need help?" She replied, "Yes, I trying to get husband's attention. Door is locked and won't open."

       Her husband was seated by the lobby window reading. He saw her hitting the car window, but thought she was just calling attention to the SUV and did not get up to check. I opened the door and she sheepishly got out. Her husband said, "Oh, it had child-locks on it, right?" 

       As I walked back around to my chair, I wondered---Why didn't she stick her head through the space between the front seats and YELL loudly. As I said, the front windows were OPEN!

       I guess we all struggle sometimes to see a WAY OUT of our present difficult situation, don't we? We may be able to figure something out, or we might just need a helping hand!  

March 4 was Three Months

    Recently I got a call from a Hospice social worker, just to check on me, she said. She told me that one of the difficult points in grief work is about the third month after the loss. I did not know that. 

    As she expressed her concern for me, I wept. I am easily touched when people recognize how tough it is at the moment. I was surprised at my visceral response.

    I know I am still in grief. Even today as I listened to Pandora instrumental Christian music, I was suddenly weeping. 

    The song, "He Giveth More Grace" came on---a song Marvin and I sang so many times. We did a LOT of singing together: "Broken and Spilled Out," Andre Crouch songs, quartets and choir songs...so much music. 

    I realize I have sections in my life: books we've read; music we loved; jokes and funny stories we treasured; trips we've taken overseas and in the U.S. These must all be acknowledged in some way or other and grieved. 

    It will likely take the rest of my life to work through all of the losses connected with losing Marvin. That does not mean I will be incapacited by my tears and pain every day. It means I'm paying attention; I'm remembering what was important in our lives. 

    And I am especially hearing and feeling the deep love and comfort of God through the journey. For that I give praise.

Returning to JOY

   

    One of the 19 Relationship Skills taught by Chris and Jen Coursey and Kitty Wilder is "returning to JOY from the big 6 emotions." One of those emotions is sadness. In the week-long training last summer, I was a bit confused about what that meant.

        Kitty explained that it is about a loss of something. I had a hard time distinguishing between sadness and grief. They seemed so connected, and how in the world did I return to JOY quickly from grief? I asked that question, and the answer was about intensity...sadness is more about
disappointment of expectations. Grief is like an attachment pain; we've somehow been torn apart.

        This morning I understood again about returning to JOY from sadness. 

        Last night I was knitting and saw some flashing lights in the cul-de-sac. At first I wondered if it was an EMT truck to help my neighbor. I texted her, and she informed me that the city was plowing the cul-de-sac. I was so excited.

        This morning after sitting with my journal and Jesus, I went to open the garage door, excited to see the street in front of my home plowed. I don't live on the cul-de-sac, and our street was not plowed. My shoulders slumped, and I thought, "Oh bummer." 

        But I quickly returned to "oh well, they are doing the best they can do---they're dealing with downed trees and a zillion other things. They will get to our street!"

        The 19 Relationship Skills must be practiced if we are going to be able to recover our JOY quickly and let go of temporary setbacks. It doesn't mean we ignore our feelings. It means we can avoid allowing our feelings to destroy our peace.

        How are you doing with JOY today?

His PRESENCE

     This has been one of those weeks where memories were good, but painful nonetheless. This morning I journaled about most of it, and then picked up my Bible. I'm reading through the Psalms to allow myself to join the Psalmist's feelings, and here's what I read today and how I wrote it out:

Psalm 98 ---- NOISY!

Sing         to the Lord            a new song
                            He's marvelous
                            He's powerful
                            He saves
                            He shows righteousness
                            He remembers His love and faithfulness
                            Everywhere in the world He shows Himself

Shout       for JOY
Burst        into JUBILANT song
Make        MUSIC

Let the sea, the world, and all in habitants RESOUND (which means to fill a  
               place with song and be loud enough to echo)   
Let rivers CLAP THEIR HANDS
Let mountains SING FOR JOY

He comes to judge with righteousness, justice, fairness

This made me smile. Will you join me in making some NOISE today?
                          

Ambushed by Sheer Joy

      When I went back to my car after sitting out at the beach, I was "people-watching" and reading a book at the same time. A mother with her 2 or 3-year-old-son was helping him find rocks to throw into the water. They came back to the sidewalk, and watched an incoming ferry dock. The horn sounded as it always does, and the child was startled. I couldn't hear his mom, but I know she was explaining what that was...and what a ferryboat did. As they turned to go, she heard the whistle of an approaching train...and so did he. The loud noise was a bit frightening to him, so she held her hands across his chest. He held on to her wrists. Soon she bent down and spoke into his ear. His eyes grew big and sparkled, and I could lip read "WOW!" 
     I could not help but smile. He was a little nervous, but with mom there, he could rest in her care and enjoy this brand new experience. His entire face was involved in the wonder of boats and trains! 
     As they walked away, I rolled down my window and said, "Thank you for letting me watch his JOY!" She was grateful and delighted as well. She called him by name, and he told me "goodbye." I said, "Thank you, ______, for sharing your JOY with me today." It was a blessing for my day.

Legacies

     When we went to Thailand in 1977, I was homesick. I was homesick for what was familiar to me. I had culture shock about a lot of things: heat and humidity, boiling our drinking water daily, cockroaches, garlic in the locally made peanut brittle---and so much more!
      Our son was born in Thailand. This past week he had an opportunity, in his position as a seminary professor, to go back. He enjoyed the food, the people, and so many things. It thrilled my heart to hear him talk about his experiences.
      I did not always like being a missionary, but I learned a lot of lessons and made life-long friends from our time on the other side of the world. And I see the place Thailand has in my children's hearts and how they have become world citizens. 
      I am thankful God continues to use everything we went through to bring good things into the lives of our kids and grandkids. 
      Today's scripture included these words:  "Our children and their children will get in on this as the word is passed along from parent to child...[they] will hear the good news - that God does what He says." That makes me smile!
      We are all leaving a legacy---I want to be more intentional about it!