A New Paradigm

     When the Hospice nurse asked me this question, I saw it---I felt it in the pit of my stomach, a shift, a change of paradigm for me:  "Has Marvin talked about how he feels about end-of-life?" I said, "Oh, yes. For years he talked about ending his own life; he didn't want to live this way."  

     What had I just said? It hit me---this existence is not what Marvin ever wanted. The logical follow-up question was, "So, why am I trying so hard to keep him here?"

     What we know in our heads often seeps slowly into our hearts and souls. It is one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I've done some really hard things in this relationship. I must let him go.

     I am so, so grateful for Life Model Works, and for Joy Starts Here, and the skills I have learned. I feel like I'm in a workshop, and I'm just learning how to transition from one reality to another. Learning to feel my feelings, to express them, to allow pain, suffering and JOY to exist simultaneously inside of me. I never knew that was possible before LMW. 

     My goal these days: INCREASE my JOY CAPACITY...more visits to Puget Sound and the Olympic Peninsula, listening to ferry horns and sea gulls...more talks with loving, supportive family and friends...more water walking and relaxation...more music that I love...more REAL laughter...and yes, more counseling, prayer, and times of quieting myself with Him.

     I am thankful for all of my family and friends who are so supportive of our journey.

     

A Signature

    It started with a discussion in a case management meeting: Marvin is losing weight, about a pound a week. Several things may be contributing to that weight loss---insufficient sleep which makes swallowing very tiring for him, not enough aides who know how to feed him and I can no longer go twice a day, and more.
    Someone in our case management meeting asked if we needed to have Marvin evaluated for Hospice. It seemed like a kind of "final" step, but I felt like I wanted to hear what they had to say.
    Today I met with a Hospice worker. She saw Marvin and took his blood pressure, and heart rate. It took her a bit to realize that he could not respond to her when she asked if he was in pain.
    After she briefly examined Marvin, he was put to bed and we went across the hall to discuss the situation. After we talked awhile, I asked her, "So when will you make the determination of whether he qualifies or not?" She said, "Oh, he qualifies."
    Such a simple statement, but I wanted to just curl up on the floor. I held it together and stayed in my chair.
    The forms came next, everything signed electronically. With my signature, I committed my husband into the care of Hospice personnel who will work with the nursing home from now on. I walked out with the 3-ring binder describing everything they will do for Marvin and for me.
     Yes, I am sad, but I am so thankful for what is going to be provided.
     God reminds me that He will always provide what I need...and He has never failed me yet.

Sharing Stories

    Years ago we watched "The Killing Fields" about war in Cambodia. It was filmed in Thailand, and a friend of ours from Missouri was an extra. 
    I just purchased a one month subscription to Netflix, so I could watch a movie I wanted to see: First They Killed My Father. This too, is a story about Cambodia, told from the viewpoint of a little girl. I watched about 30 minutes of the movie, and will finish it later. I was surprised by my reaction this time. I felt the sadness welling up in me...tears threatening to spill out.
    In the 70s, I was in Southeast Asia. I had acquaintances from Cambodia. I went to refugee camps periodically. We even helped a Vietnamese refugee move to the United States where she was sponsored by a group from a church that also supported us. 
    The difference is I am more acquainted with sorrow. I recognize the "dead-pan" facial expressions. I see the deep sadness in their eyes which reflect a life of pain. They are now my friends and I understand better the ravages of that war.
    A family began the walk out of Cambodia to Thailand...a husband, wife, and two sons. The horrors they saw were nothing compared to the agony of the death of one of those boys on the trip. 
    A woman who studied and became a nursing aide heard me speaking Thai to Marvin one day. She replied in Thai, and I learned she had been in a refugee camp in eastern Thailand after fleeing Cambodia.
    Today these people are contributing to the fabric of American life. They have sorrows we will likely never understand. But they are making a huge difference in my life and in Marvin's. 
    
    

Open or Closed Door?

     I remember hearing, as a young person in church, that God would "open doors" or "close doors," according to His plan for us. I made a few decisions based on what I thought that meant, which didn't always work out so well. I often wanted a simplistic formula for success, for fulfillment, joy, and more.
    I remember hearing a speaker once, who said, "God's will is much bigger than you might have envisioned." She drew a dot on a whiteboard, indicating a person. Then she drew a huge circle around the dot. The circle line indicated God's boundaries in our lives, but his will is anywhere inside that circle we find ourselves. I didn't know for sure if I agreed with her, but I certainly mulled it over a lot, and obviously didn't forget it.
    As we get older we tend to review...choices, decisions, careers, and more. Was there a PERFECT WILL for us in all the areas of our lives? Did we find the perfect fit?
    Of course as I grow up (I'm not there yet, okay---), I realize that it's not the stuff OUTSIDE of ourselves that is perfect, but it's discovering and accepting who God made me to be that brings REAL LIFE.
    So, what does that mean in a practical sense? Here's a few generalities:
--He made us to be HUMANS, with emotions, feelings, thoughts, ideas, dreams, visions, plans, abilities, and...you get the idea.
--He made us in His image, with heart characteristics that are like His, with creativity and choices.
--He made us unique and yet the same. The blood flowing through our veins is common to every person.
--He made our bodies in a way that (unless frozen for later), will deteriorate, and pass from life.
    We all start out in the same way...born of a woman, but what we become is part of a huge tapestry of events, experiences, relationships, learning, and more.
    So, are you at a place where you want to investigate WHAT ELSE God might be doing in your life? What doors are open? What doors are closed? What beckons you from across your life-circle and says, "Have you ever thought of..."
Whatever it is!
    One of my friends is taking her first mission trip overseas with folks from her church. Another friend is thinking of leaving a job and seeking a totally new life-stream. Others are coming to the end of a debilitating disease, and asking if they have made a difference anywhere on earth.
    Let's talk together about WHERE WE ARE right now, tell our stories of adventures lived, and discover what we might want to do tomorrow.

Smiling Through Pain

     I have several friends who like the same kind of humor I do---scary, huh? Marvin and I used to call it "dark" humor. We laughed about many things that others would have found annoying, depressing, even inappropriate. It was his sense of humor that attracted me to him.
     One of my special humor friends is now very ill with inoperable cancer. She can no longer work, and spends most of her time in bed. This week she started taking morphine for the pain. She told me that taking morphine frightened her a little bit. As we talked about various fears, I was reminded of my mother...a story I shared with my ailing friend.
     When my mother was older, she had trouble sleeping. It seemed hard for her to turn off her buzzing thoughts. I suggested she might talk to her doctor about a sleeping aide. She said, "Oh no, I wouldn't want to get addicted!" I assured her that getting addicted to sleeping pills when you're in your 80s is not a bad thing!
      My friend listened to my story and we laughed together. Although I feel very sad at her prognosis and the pain that is overwhelming her today, I am thankful her sense of humor is still at work.
      Humor can be a source of strength and encouragement for us in dark days. How do you cultivate humor?

WHAT ARE WE MISSING IN 2018?

    This morning I rushed to get ready for a 9 am tire rotation appointment. Even though I know where this business is, I used my GPS so I would be able to do some "noticing" as I drove. 
FIRST:
    I know when cities number streets, they get themselves in a pickle...instead of saying 198 (1), 198 (2), 198 (3)...which is confusing, they use PLACE, AVENUE, STREET, BOULEVARD, etc., all with the same number.
    Once a lady from Bellevue was trying to find my home, which is on a PLACE. I don't think she had a GPS. She called me from the STREET with the same number as mine. I went to find her, and she was just around the corner from my PLACE! 
  
SECOND:
    As I walked into the tire store, a young man was talking to a sales clerk. As I sat down to wait for my car, I couldn't help but overhear the conversation. The salesman was trying to talk about mileage for certain tires, prices, specifications, and more. He spoke quickly.
    The young man was from another country, but spoke fairly good English. His vocabulary and understanding of technical tire terms, however, was a bit lacking. He had been reading the signs in the store, but wasn't quite sure what they meant. Both he and the clerk were getting a little frustrated, not about the price of tires nor the warranties, but simply about language. I'm not sure they understood what their problem really was.
     I remember my first foray to a market in Bangkok with a visitor from America. I had been in language school just a couple weeks. My friend said, "Let's go buy some bananas over there." I looked at the Thai woman selling fruit and asked in my very best Thai, "Gluay nii towrie?"  How much are these bananas?  She told me, and I tried what I had learned in school:  "Lote, dai mai?" Can you sell it for less?
     In an instant I knew I was in trouble, as the woman began telling me why she wasn't able to do that---so fast I could never keep up. I knew she was speaking Thai, and I recognized the sounds, but not the words. I turned to my friend and said, "Let's get out of here!" 
     In order to fix our communication issues, no matter what the cause, we might benefit from SLOWING DOWN to LISTEN and SPEAK...putting away all our ASSUMPTIONS of people and language...and asking each other for HELP!

WHAT HAVE YOU NOTICED ALREADY TODAY?