FEELINGS

     This has been a season of feelings. Isn't all of life about feelings? It is, but we are often pretty adept at controlling feelings, stuffing them, avoiding them, or denying we even have them. Here are some of the feelings of the past week or so:

• So much gratitude: for my Immanuel prayer coach who is guiding some deep healing.  
  
• My children and grandchildren: who talk to me, pray for me, understand me, and love me.    
• My Church of God heritage and its deep message and meaning for my life.  
• The Hospice nurse and other workers who care so much for Marvin and me. 
  
• The Northshore Senior Center Wellness nurse and the grief group leaders.  
• The ability to be with old friends from our days in Thailand, even in the middle of their and my grief.                                                                   
• My Life Model JOY friends who accept me like I am because they understand. 
  
• My generous landlady and the apartment she allows me to rent.                
• Music, old and new, that says exactly what I need to hear.

GRATITUDE---one of those feelings.  For what are you thankful today? Make a list and let it sink in all day long! Share it with someone and you multiply joy and gratitude.

HOLDING UP EACH OTHER'S ARMS

   This morning the words spilled out on my journal as they often do. I wrote to HIM about my feelings, grief, and pain. I asked HIM to strengthen me in my inner spirit. After HIS assurance that HE is with me in this journey I'm on, I went to the scripture...where I was reading about a battle in the Old Testament. This isn't the place I expect to find a lot of comfort.  But here's what happened.     Moses sent Joshua and some others to fight the Amalekites. Moses went up on a hill with Aaron and Hur. When Moses held up his arms, the Israelites were winning. When his arms got tired and dropped to his sides, they were losing. Aaron and Hur found a place for Moses to sit, and each held up one arm until the battle was done.
    The next sentence in my journal said:  "People who hold up my arms in this HD battle."  And I made a list.  If you're reading this, you're probably on the list!  There are 62 names on the list. There may be more, but here's how I ended the journal entry:
    "WOW, Jesus, this is an amazing answer to my need. I will fight until the HD battle is conquered.

A New Paradigm

     When the Hospice nurse asked me this question, I saw it---I felt it in the pit of my stomach, a shift, a change of paradigm for me:  "Has Marvin talked about how he feels about end-of-life?" I said, "Oh, yes. For years he talked about ending his own life; he didn't want to live this way."  

     What had I just said? It hit me---this existence is not what Marvin ever wanted. The logical follow-up question was, "So, why am I trying so hard to keep him here?"

     What we know in our heads often seeps slowly into our hearts and souls. It is one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I've done some really hard things in this relationship. I must let him go.

     I am so, so grateful for Life Model Works, and for Joy Starts Here, and the skills I have learned. I feel like I'm in a workshop, and I'm just learning how to transition from one reality to another. Learning to feel my feelings, to express them, to allow pain, suffering and JOY to exist simultaneously inside of me. I never knew that was possible before LMW. 

     My goal these days: INCREASE my JOY CAPACITY...more visits to Puget Sound and the Olympic Peninsula, listening to ferry horns and sea gulls...more talks with loving, supportive family and friends...more water walking and relaxation...more music that I love...more REAL laughter...and yes, more counseling, prayer, and times of quieting myself with Him.

     I am thankful for all of my family and friends who are so supportive of our journey.

     

A Signature

    It started with a discussion in a case management meeting: Marvin is losing weight, about a pound a week. Several things may be contributing to that weight loss---insufficient sleep which makes swallowing very tiring for him, not enough aides who know how to feed him and I can no longer go twice a day, and more.
    Someone in our case management meeting asked if we needed to have Marvin evaluated for Hospice. It seemed like a kind of "final" step, but I felt like I wanted to hear what they had to say.
    Today I met with a Hospice worker. She saw Marvin and took his blood pressure, and heart rate. It took her a bit to realize that he could not respond to her when she asked if he was in pain.
    After she briefly examined Marvin, he was put to bed and we went across the hall to discuss the situation. After we talked awhile, I asked her, "So when will you make the determination of whether he qualifies or not?" She said, "Oh, he qualifies."
    Such a simple statement, but I wanted to just curl up on the floor. I held it together and stayed in my chair.
    The forms came next, everything signed electronically. With my signature, I committed my husband into the care of Hospice personnel who will work with the nursing home from now on. I walked out with the 3-ring binder describing everything they will do for Marvin and for me.
     Yes, I am sad, but I am so thankful for what is going to be provided.
     God reminds me that He will always provide what I need...and He has never failed me yet.

Sharing Stories

    Years ago we watched "The Killing Fields" about war in Cambodia. It was filmed in Thailand, and a friend of ours from Missouri was an extra. 
    I just purchased a one month subscription to Netflix, so I could watch a movie I wanted to see: First They Killed My Father. This too, is a story about Cambodia, told from the viewpoint of a little girl. I watched about 30 minutes of the movie, and will finish it later. I was surprised by my reaction this time. I felt the sadness welling up in me...tears threatening to spill out.
    In the 70s, I was in Southeast Asia. I had acquaintances from Cambodia. I went to refugee camps periodically. We even helped a Vietnamese refugee move to the United States where she was sponsored by a group from a church that also supported us. 
    The difference is I am more acquainted with sorrow. I recognize the "dead-pan" facial expressions. I see the deep sadness in their eyes which reflect a life of pain. They are now my friends and I understand better the ravages of that war.
    A family began the walk out of Cambodia to Thailand...a husband, wife, and two sons. The horrors they saw were nothing compared to the agony of the death of one of those boys on the trip. 
    A woman who studied and became a nursing aide heard me speaking Thai to Marvin one day. She replied in Thai, and I learned she had been in a refugee camp in eastern Thailand after fleeing Cambodia.
    Today these people are contributing to the fabric of American life. They have sorrows we will likely never understand. But they are making a huge difference in my life and in Marvin's. 
    
    

Open or Closed Door?

     I remember hearing, as a young person in church, that God would "open doors" or "close doors," according to His plan for us. I made a few decisions based on what I thought that meant, which didn't always work out so well. I often wanted a simplistic formula for success, for fulfillment, joy, and more.
    I remember hearing a speaker once, who said, "God's will is much bigger than you might have envisioned." She drew a dot on a whiteboard, indicating a person. Then she drew a huge circle around the dot. The circle line indicated God's boundaries in our lives, but his will is anywhere inside that circle we find ourselves. I didn't know for sure if I agreed with her, but I certainly mulled it over a lot, and obviously didn't forget it.
    As we get older we tend to review...choices, decisions, careers, and more. Was there a PERFECT WILL for us in all the areas of our lives? Did we find the perfect fit?
    Of course as I grow up (I'm not there yet, okay---), I realize that it's not the stuff OUTSIDE of ourselves that is perfect, but it's discovering and accepting who God made me to be that brings REAL LIFE.
    So, what does that mean in a practical sense? Here's a few generalities:
--He made us to be HUMANS, with emotions, feelings, thoughts, ideas, dreams, visions, plans, abilities, and...you get the idea.
--He made us in His image, with heart characteristics that are like His, with creativity and choices.
--He made us unique and yet the same. The blood flowing through our veins is common to every person.
--He made our bodies in a way that (unless frozen for later), will deteriorate, and pass from life.
    We all start out in the same way...born of a woman, but what we become is part of a huge tapestry of events, experiences, relationships, learning, and more.
    So, are you at a place where you want to investigate WHAT ELSE God might be doing in your life? What doors are open? What doors are closed? What beckons you from across your life-circle and says, "Have you ever thought of..."
Whatever it is!
    One of my friends is taking her first mission trip overseas with folks from her church. Another friend is thinking of leaving a job and seeking a totally new life-stream. Others are coming to the end of a debilitating disease, and asking if they have made a difference anywhere on earth.
    Let's talk together about WHERE WE ARE right now, tell our stories of adventures lived, and discover what we might want to do tomorrow.