I Am Not a Poet

     I am not a poet, but sometimes something comes to me, as it did this am. It's not super quality, but it is describing some of my journey. I hope it helps someone else.

I Almost Gave Up

I almost gave up
Before it was started
My mind told me, "Go,
You'll be broken-hearted."
I stayed.

I almost gave up
I just didn not feel it.
The struggle was hard,
And we just did not fit.
But I stayed.

I almost gave up
His addiction grew worse.
And I felt the shame,
Feeling I had been cursed.
Yet I stayed.

I couldn't give up
I'd made a commitment.
"Til death do us part,"
I said, and I meant it.
I stayed.

I couldn't give up
As disease reared it's head.
"In sickness or health,"
Are the words that I said.
I still stayed.

I've wanted to go
Many times, many ways.
I've cried out to God,
And He asked me to stay.
So I stayed.

I couldn't give up
I felt a new feeling.
God mended my heart
And brought me rich healing.
I will stay.

I wouldn't give up
I love him much more now
I'm finding the ways
To let God show me how
To stay.

I will not give up
I will stay til he's gone.
I'll trust in my Father
No matter how long.
I will stay.

What Makes a Marriage?

   I don't know how many weddings I have officiated. I know that most of them have been simple yet elegant events. Some of them were extravagant, costing thousands of dollars. I required at least six hours of pre-marital counseling, discussing the baggage the bride and groom were bringing to this relationship. Even so, some of the marriages forged at that altar have already dissolved.  
   Walter Wangarin wrote about the way a marriage becomes a living organism, two separate individuals creating a new entity: I and You becomes We. When divorce, disease, or death enter this marriage, it's not simply a piece of paper that is torn. Indeed, the rending of hearts is a visceral experience.
    In 1983 or 1984 I went with some friends on a train to a counseling retreat in Chiang Mai - northern Thailand. Our friend, Pat, led the retreat and spent much time with us, sharing her heart, home, and her Lord. I met privately to talk with her about the devastation that was rocking our home and our world.
    Pat said to me, "Karen, you cannot put this back together. Your marriage is like a piece of fine china, and right now it lies shattered on the floor, in a million pieces. Try as you might, it won't be fixed. What you need is a new love, a new life with your husband. That's what God can do."
    Not long ago a friend in Indiana, who has been following my Facebook and blog, asked me about some things I had written about my husband. She said, "It sounds like you love him more than ever."
    I realized that what Pat had said to me years ago had become reality: God has given me a new love for my husband. Now, as Huntington's Disease con-tinues to ravage his mind and body, it is that living marriage relationship that is rending my heart and soul.
    Would it have been easier to walk away and not allow God to give me a new love for my spouse? Definitely not.
    God is faithful, and has been with us through all the storms we have faced. I am counting on His promised peace in the middle of even this storm.

More FAITH Testing

     One of the things I learned in 1979 was that, although I was a believer in Christ, my faith was weak. I felt close to Him for awhile and then away from Him. I remember thinking that I had nothing to teach or share with Thai people if I didn't have a faith that worked. I began a journey with the Word of God, and with God's Spirit which repaired the foundation of my Christian beliefs.
     I had gone to church with and lived around many believers who believed in the "do's" and "don'ts" of religion, but when push came to shove, they worried, fretted, judged and condemned. I wondered if their faith in God really worked.
Was this how it was destined to be all my life? In 1979 I wanted something more.
     It was a God-preparation, as I was going to face trials that would leave me literally face-down before the Lord, crying out for His wisdom, understanding, and intervention. I would have to learn anew what God was really like: that He loved me so much, and if and when I took one short glance at Him, He would be there. He would change me as I learned He could be totally trusted.
     As I face the decline of my husband of 42 years, I'm in the same kind of place. Does my faith work?  If I grieve, cry, wail, and throw myself on my face before God, does it mean I don't trust Him? I don't think so.
     In this whole process I have one desire: I want to be as honest as possible about who I am, what I'm feeling. I can't pretend. I can't hide. I can only be me, a beloved daughter of the Creator. And He knows me best. I have a faith that works as I work it.
     Work your faith today and see what happens.

A Test

     I never enjoyed exams in school, did you? Obviously the pop quizzes were the pits, especially if you weren't caught up on class work or paying close attention. But even the tests you knew were coming, and especially the final exams were stressful.
     I was recently talking to my former Psychology professor about taking his tests, especially in Abnormal Psych. I read the material, talked about it in study groups, went over my notes, and when I read the test questions, thought: "Where did he get this? Have I been in outer space?" I had trouble recognizing what was important to know, I guess.
     I feel like I'm in another test of life. I've been through many already, and learned many life lessons. But as we step into another phase of Huntington's Disease, I've got a lot to learn.
     The biggest life lesson for all of us, and especially for us Codepedent Controllers, is letting go. So, I am going to be focusing on that today...just for today. Here are some affirmations and reminders I will be using:
---I am not God.
---I do not hold the power of life or death.
---I am so loved by God that He sings about me (Zeph. 3:17) I read this to Marvin yesterday.
---He knows me and Marvin better than anyone ever has or ever will.
---He keeps all my tears in a bottle; they are precious to Him.
---He knows what it's like to cry out to the Father with loud cries (Hebrews).
---He will be with Marvin and me .
and what He specifically told me once about TESTS:
---I know how to do that: take tests, go through tough stuff.
    Thanks, God. I'm counting on You!

NEEDED: JOY STRENGTH

    I have known that 2013 would present some challenges and changes. I didn't quite expect it so quickly.
    Today I received a notice that Just Like Home, where Marvin lives, can no longer provide the care he needs. I will have to start looking for another place. There is another nursing home in Sunnyside, but I'm not sure it would be the best for him. I will be checking with some friends from the Huntington's Disease support group who utilized nursing homes in Yakima for their family. I am there 3 days a week, and perhaps I will have to move; I'm not sure yet.
    I know this is part of my grief journey, and I can't avoid it. I am thankful that my kids are so supportive, and let me feel my feelings.
    Thanks in advance for your thoughts and prayers.
  

BLOWN AWAY

     I bought myself a new book on Amazon: Jesus, A Theography, by Leonard Sweet and Frank Viola. After the introduction and first chapter, I closed the book and thought: This book is going to blow me away. I was correct!
     I have studied the scriptures for many years, and I LOVE THEM. But I am learning some things I have never understood before - about Jesus, about myself, about being fully human, and so much more. It energizes me soooooo much.
     Hope you are blown away by something WONDERFUL today!
    

    

A Little Bit a Day

TODAY:
---I will be start a "thankful" list for 2013, and add something daily.
---I will move my body daily, playing Wii Sports, doing Yoga or Thai Chi, continuing aquatic exercises, and other stuff to improve my health. (I ordered some videos I'll tell you about later.)
---I will talk to my children at least once a week.
---I will talk to my grandchildren as often as possible.
---I will laugh hilariously, loudly, and often.
---I will cry heartily and noisily whenever I feel like it.
---I will write something on this blog --- at least weekly!
---I will talk to God every day, all through the day.

These sound like some resolutions --- so be it.