A Morning Chuckle

    I never run out of humorous stories, because I look back through my journals and read about my escapades. Here you go:
    I admit I love coffee. I knew I would likely be using instant in Malaysia. I found some coffee in the freezer at the apartment in which I stayed. I thought, "I'll try this!" I made it like instant, but alas, it was NOT instant.
    So my family bought Starbucks instant packets. Here's what I wrote:
     
"I opened the coffee envelope with my teeth, because I couldn't find scissors and my hands were sore---the powder sprayed upwards...on my lips, chin, etc.  I just blew my nose and it looks like coffee stains on the handkerchief!"

    Are you visualizing that?  Oh my... I did find a small pair of scissors!!
    Keep smiling and laughing at yourself, not in a demeaning way, but just enjoy being the wonderful, silly, enchanting person HE made you to be. 

Interrupting Malaysia Story

     I promised more stories from my trip, but this picture begs for comment.

It looked like someone was seated on my chair, and when it warmed up a bit, they disappeared except for the arms.
     I wonder if any of us feel like the invisible person on my patio?
     Many express just those sentiments when dealing with painful issues: we don't always feel seen or heard.
     This has been one of my exciting discoveries in the Immanuel Healing...that Jesus wants us to know that HE is with us, and that He loves to be with us. We are not always able to perceive His presence...because it takes PRACTICE! And truthfully, we may not know how to reconnect.
     For me it also takes a "quieting" of my swirling mind. Just today I was thinking about a situation I did not how to handle. I realized, I must move to my quiet chair, relax, get reconnected with Him and listen.
     Awareness, noticing, and quieting myself helps me not feel alone or invisible to the Lord. 

MALAYSIA TRIP #2

     Airports can be daunting for elderly folks--yes, that's me! Since I was not as familiar with Singapore or Kuala Lumpur airports, I requested a wheelchair. This allows someone who is familiar with transit and immigration/customs issues to help. 

     When I arrived in KL, a smiling Muslim woman provided that assistance. She was super friendly, asking if I got some sleep during those 15 hours?  I answered her questions and she recognized my weariness. She also wanted to know if I was traveling alone. I mentioned the passing of my husband last December, and how I wanted to be with my daughter and her family this year.

     As we waited in line for a passport check, she said, "would you like me to give your shoulders and neck a rub?" WOULD I? It was quite a wait in several places, and she continued to massage my shoulders. WONDERFUL. 

     She was such a delight and help. Some of my energy was revived by her kindness and consideration. Tense muscles felt some relief, and I was grateful for the gentleness of her touch. 

     As she left, she said, "I hope I see you back here on January 9!" 

     JOY MOMENTS.

2019-2020 Trip 1st installment: Children

     The 7 year old leaned over his mother's middle seat while she was gone to the restroom: "Hi, what's your name?" "Karen," I replied, "What's yours?" "Abhi," he said. He turned back to his movie for a moment and then leaned over again and said, "I think we are going to be good friends."
     We were together on the 13 1/2 hour flight from Singapore to Seattle. Abhi had slept well for a couple hours and was now on his second wind. 
     He asked his mother to get him some snacks, which she did, bringing some  for him to share with his sister. He laid them out on his tray table, and leaned over his mother, now seated. "Hey, Karen, would you like a snack?" I said, "I'm not hungry right now." He asked, "If you were hungry, which of these would you like?" I looked at the options and pointed one out. He put it aside...and for the next hour or so, would glance over every 15 minutes and hold up the snack, offering it. I finally ate it.
     After his sister, Angelee, 9, woke up from her nap, Abhi changed seats with her and was across the aisle with his father. Angelee and I had a conversation---
I noticed she had freshly painted fingernail polish on beautiful hands. I said to her, "You have really pretty hands and long fingers. Do you play the piano?" Her face lit up and she said, "Yes, and my mommy plays the drums, Abhi plays the guitar and my father plays the keyboard and guitar. We all play in the worship band at our church." Then she said, "No one has ever told me I have long fingers!" We talked about music for a bit, and then Angelee said, "I really want to be a doctor when I grow up, or …" and she listed several other options. "I just don't know yet!" 
    I spoke to Angelee's mom: "Does that mean you are Christians?"  "Yes," was her reply. They are from a land that is predominantly Hindu. They have lived in the U.S. for 12 years. We spoke for awhile about the scripture, about Jesus, and other issues. We even spoke about women in church leadership. We didn't agree on some topics, but we enjoyed the exchange. 
     Before we landed, she gave me her contact information, because they come to Seattle periodically and I go to Portland from time to time.
     New friends...I think Abhi was right: we're going to be good friends.

Power of Names

      I saw the stroller when I entered the locker room at the YMCA. I thought: "Oh, someone's brought their baby swimming!" 
      A bit early for my arthritis class, I watched the little ones finish up their "swimming lessons." More like "water lessons." Mom was holding the little brother, introducing him to the pool. After lessons, older brother joined them. Fast forward.
      As I came around the corner to get my stuff out of the locker, I saw an interesting sight:  Mom had created a little "corral" out of the stools that dot the locker room. Both little boys were inside the corral, the oldest munching on a cookie.
      As I dressed, I could overhear the conversation...and I was surprised to hear her call the older brother, "Calvin." I went back to the locker for my shoes, and I said, "Did I hear your mom say your name is Calvin?"  "Yep," the child replied. I said, "My children loved a comic book character with that name--Calvin and Hobbs." Mom chimed in: "Yes, he's named for that character."
      Ahhh...some things made more sense: the corral, the repeated prompts the mother gave Calvin to finish getting dressed, pay attention, sit down and put your shoes on, etc. Calvin was a busy, easily distracted, little red-headed boy with a buoyant personality! As I put my shoes and jacket on, he popped his head around the corner to check me out.
      He was a smart child, I could tell, and he would be giving his mom a run for her money. I wonder how much influence his name had on his parents...what would it one day hold for him? 
      Wait a minute...what do you call yourself? Are old nicknames stuck to your personality like glue? Check out what God calls us: His dearly loved children; His treasure, and more. 
       

NEW DAYS

     This morning I have been thinking about my JOY Bank. That is the part of me where I store all of those amazing things that can bring me JOY almost instantaneously. It's usually just a written word, a picture representing some-thing, an idea, a memory, a voice. You get the idea. 
      The reason for a JOY Bank is that some days experiences, people, or crises, can suck the JOY right out of you before you know it. In order to stay connected, we must have some reserves to access JOY STRENGTH.
      This weekend I experienced some struggles in that area. I find I need to guard my time, my mind, and my heart better. If I participate in activities that sap me without the off-setting JOY STRENGTH, it takes much more time to recover.
      When I feel this way, I can also see my reflection in the mirror: I too, can sap people's JOY if I am not self-aware, listening well, and able to connect in JOY. I've done that this past week too. Then I have to do some relationship repairs if it's possible.
      Thankfully I remember: "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness, O Lord."
      It's a new MONDAY. Thank goodness!

FEELING STUCK?

      My car was listed on the RECALL list for front airbag replacement. I made an appointment at a local Toyota dealership and showed up at the appointed time and place. 

      The dealership has a new building that feels like a self-sustaining city. It's huge, with lots of open space, windows, computer stations, coffee and tea, vending machines, and LOTS OF PEOPLE: employees, technicians, janitors, and customers.

      After "registering," I sat down in the lobby to wait. I brought a book, some writing materials, but mostly enjoyed people-watching. There were people from many ethnic backgrounds, speaking languages I could not understand, young parents entertaining little ones, middle aged and older folks looking at their phones, watching the news, or talking with others. It was a very busy place.

      I moved around a bit, trying to exercise my post-op sore leg and knee. As I sat for awhile at a little round table near the show-room, I watched folks come in to look at cars, while others sat at desks and signed papers for their new cars. 

      Slowly I became aware of movement to my left, behind me a bit. It was like pounding or slapping of some kind of hard surface. What was to my left was a new SUV. I had seen a person checking out the interior, seated in the front. As I looked closer, I saw through the tinted window, the form of a woman, hitting the back door glass. It seemed strange to me.  

       I walked over to the front door of the car where the window was DOWN. I stuck my head in and said to a middle aged Asian woman: "Do you need help?" She replied, "Yes, I trying to get husband's attention. Door is locked and won't open."

       Her husband was seated by the lobby window reading. He saw her hitting the car window, but thought she was just calling attention to the SUV and did not get up to check. I opened the door and she sheepishly got out. Her husband said, "Oh, it had child-locks on it, right?" 

       As I walked back around to my chair, I wondered---Why didn't she stick her head through the space between the front seats and YELL loudly. As I said, the front windows were OPEN!

       I guess we all struggle sometimes to see a WAY OUT of our present difficult situation, don't we? We may be able to figure something out, or we might just need a helping hand!  

March 4 was Three Months

    Recently I got a call from a Hospice social worker, just to check on me, she said. She told me that one of the difficult points in grief work is about the third month after the loss. I did not know that. 

    As she expressed her concern for me, I wept. I am easily touched when people recognize how tough it is at the moment. I was surprised at my visceral response.

    I know I am still in grief. Even today as I listened to Pandora instrumental Christian music, I was suddenly weeping. 

    The song, "He Giveth More Grace" came on---a song Marvin and I sang so many times. We did a LOT of singing together: "Broken and Spilled Out," Andre Crouch songs, quartets and choir songs...so much music. 

    I realize I have sections in my life: books we've read; music we loved; jokes and funny stories we treasured; trips we've taken overseas and in the U.S. These must all be acknowledged in some way or other and grieved. 

    It will likely take the rest of my life to work through all of the losses connected with losing Marvin. That does not mean I will be incapacited by my tears and pain every day. It means I'm paying attention; I'm remembering what was important in our lives. 

    And I am especially hearing and feeling the deep love and comfort of God through the journey. For that I give praise.

Returning to JOY

   

    One of the 19 Relationship Skills taught by Chris and Jen Coursey and Kitty Wilder is "returning to JOY from the big 6 emotions." One of those emotions is sadness. In the week-long training last summer, I was a bit confused about what that meant.

        Kitty explained that it is about a loss of something. I had a hard time distinguishing between sadness and grief. They seemed so connected, and how in the world did I return to JOY quickly from grief? I asked that question, and the answer was about intensity...sadness is more about
disappointment of expectations. Grief is like an attachment pain; we've somehow been torn apart.

        This morning I understood again about returning to JOY from sadness. 

        Last night I was knitting and saw some flashing lights in the cul-de-sac. At first I wondered if it was an EMT truck to help my neighbor. I texted her, and she informed me that the city was plowing the cul-de-sac. I was so excited.

        This morning after sitting with my journal and Jesus, I went to open the garage door, excited to see the street in front of my home plowed. I don't live on the cul-de-sac, and our street was not plowed. My shoulders slumped, and I thought, "Oh bummer." 

        But I quickly returned to "oh well, they are doing the best they can do---they're dealing with downed trees and a zillion other things. They will get to our street!"

        The 19 Relationship Skills must be practiced if we are going to be able to recover our JOY quickly and let go of temporary setbacks. It doesn't mean we ignore our feelings. It means we can avoid allowing our feelings to destroy our peace.

        How are you doing with JOY today?

His PRESENCE

     This has been one of those weeks where memories were good, but painful nonetheless. This morning I journaled about most of it, and then picked up my Bible. I'm reading through the Psalms to allow myself to join the Psalmist's feelings, and here's what I read today and how I wrote it out:

Psalm 98 ---- NOISY!

Sing         to the Lord            a new song
                            He's marvelous
                            He's powerful
                            He saves
                            He shows righteousness
                            He remembers His love and faithfulness
                            Everywhere in the world He shows Himself

Shout       for JOY
Burst        into JUBILANT song
Make        MUSIC

Let the sea, the world, and all in habitants RESOUND (which means to fill a  
               place with song and be loud enough to echo)   
Let rivers CLAP THEIR HANDS
Let mountains SING FOR JOY

He comes to judge with righteousness, justice, fairness

This made me smile. Will you join me in making some NOISE today?
                          

Ambushed by Sheer Joy

      When I went back to my car after sitting out at the beach, I was "people-watching" and reading a book at the same time. A mother with her 2 or 3-year-old-son was helping him find rocks to throw into the water. They came back to the sidewalk, and watched an incoming ferry dock. The horn sounded as it always does, and the child was startled. I couldn't hear his mom, but I know she was explaining what that was...and what a ferryboat did. As they turned to go, she heard the whistle of an approaching train...and so did he. The loud noise was a bit frightening to him, so she held her hands across his chest. He held on to her wrists. Soon she bent down and spoke into his ear. His eyes grew big and sparkled, and I could lip read "WOW!" 
     I could not help but smile. He was a little nervous, but with mom there, he could rest in her care and enjoy this brand new experience. His entire face was involved in the wonder of boats and trains! 
     As they walked away, I rolled down my window and said, "Thank you for letting me watch his JOY!" She was grateful and delighted as well. She called him by name, and he told me "goodbye." I said, "Thank you, ______, for sharing your JOY with me today." It was a blessing for my day.

Legacies

     When we went to Thailand in 1977, I was homesick. I was homesick for what was familiar to me. I had culture shock about a lot of things: heat and humidity, boiling our drinking water daily, cockroaches, garlic in the locally made peanut brittle---and so much more!
      Our son was born in Thailand. This past week he had an opportunity, in his position as a seminary professor, to go back. He enjoyed the food, the people, and so many things. It thrilled my heart to hear him talk about his experiences.
      I did not always like being a missionary, but I learned a lot of lessons and made life-long friends from our time on the other side of the world. And I see the place Thailand has in my children's hearts and how they have become world citizens. 
      I am thankful God continues to use everything we went through to bring good things into the lives of our kids and grandkids. 
      Today's scripture included these words:  "Our children and their children will get in on this as the word is passed along from parent to child...[they] will hear the good news - that God does what He says." That makes me smile!
      We are all leaving a legacy---I want to be more intentional about it!

Aging

     Do you think about the aging process a lot? Everything is affected as we age: 
--our memories
--our physical flexibility
--our mental acuity
--our sleep
and so much more.
     I enjoy listening to conversations at the nursing home where Marvin resides. It makes me wish I had known these people years ago. I wonder about their life experiences, their jobs, their families. Where did they live? What did they love doing in their lives? 
     Some are absolutely delightful to speak to, very upbeat, funny, and interested in others. Like the man who is very physically limited---yesterday the aide said, "So is your food good?" He quickly replied, "No, it's not good---(pause)---it's GREAT!" 
     There's a gentleman who walks into the dining room with a walker, and stops at every table to greet other residents. He says, "Good afternoon, ladies. How are you today?" I think it's a highlight for them. One day after he passed by, a woman said to her tablemate, "That's my doctor...he's such a good doctor!" 
     We are taught as little ones to become independent and self-sufficient. As we get to the end-of-life events, we must learn to let go and ask for help. 
     Oh, boy, there's so much to learn, isn't there?

     What are you working on as you age?  A sense of humor? Compassion? Relaxation? Fretting and worry? Fear and frustration?  Let's help each other get old gracefully!

Laughing at Myself

     I find many reasons to laugh at myself. I guess that means I'm pretty good at entertaining myself! 
     Some past chuckles: 
-- when I accidently grabbed the hairspray instead of the after shower body spray! Had to have a 2nd shower.
-- when I discovered a dryer sheet attached to my slacks when I got in my car to go home AFTER a church service. 
     I discovered the validity of the JOY definition from Dr. James Wilder: JOY is when someone is glad to be with you. They show it on their faces and in their eyes---lighting up like I do when I get to be with my grandkids or my JOY friends!
     Recently, I decided to try an experiment (and invited others to join me via Facebook): Stand in front of the mirror and look deeply into your own eyes...then begin to smile at yourself. When you have a full-faced smile, take a selfie and then look at it through your day. Pay attention to how your body feels, your thoughts about this photo, and whatever else comes to mind. 
     I actually tried it myself, and found it a bit disconcerting. When I took the photo, I felt like I was smiling with my whole face and eyes. But when I looked back at the saved picture, I was not smiling like I do when I see people I delight to be with. 
     I will be doing some journaling about that...because I think it is a lesson. Laughing with myself or at myself isn't the same thing as being JOYFUL to be with myself!  
     Your thoughts?

FEELINGS

     This has been a season of feelings. Isn't all of life about feelings? It is, but we are often pretty adept at controlling feelings, stuffing them, avoiding them, or denying we even have them. Here are some of the feelings of the past week or so:

• So much gratitude: for my Immanuel prayer coach who is guiding some deep healing.  
  
• My children and grandchildren: who talk to me, pray for me, understand me, and love me.    
• My Church of God heritage and its deep message and meaning for my life.  
• The Hospice nurse and other workers who care so much for Marvin and me. 
  
• The Northshore Senior Center Wellness nurse and the grief group leaders.  
• The ability to be with old friends from our days in Thailand, even in the middle of their and my grief.                                                                   
• My Life Model JOY friends who accept me like I am because they understand. 
  
• My generous landlady and the apartment she allows me to rent.                
• Music, old and new, that says exactly what I need to hear.

GRATITUDE---one of those feelings.  For what are you thankful today? Make a list and let it sink in all day long! Share it with someone and you multiply joy and gratitude.

HOLDING UP EACH OTHER'S ARMS

   This morning the words spilled out on my journal as they often do. I wrote to HIM about my feelings, grief, and pain. I asked HIM to strengthen me in my inner spirit. After HIS assurance that HE is with me in this journey I'm on, I went to the scripture...where I was reading about a battle in the Old Testament. This isn't the place I expect to find a lot of comfort.  But here's what happened.     Moses sent Joshua and some others to fight the Amalekites. Moses went up on a hill with Aaron and Hur. When Moses held up his arms, the Israelites were winning. When his arms got tired and dropped to his sides, they were losing. Aaron and Hur found a place for Moses to sit, and each held up one arm until the battle was done.
    The next sentence in my journal said:  "People who hold up my arms in this HD battle."  And I made a list.  If you're reading this, you're probably on the list!  There are 62 names on the list. There may be more, but here's how I ended the journal entry:
    "WOW, Jesus, this is an amazing answer to my need. I will fight until the HD battle is conquered.

A New Paradigm

     When the Hospice nurse asked me this question, I saw it---I felt it in the pit of my stomach, a shift, a change of paradigm for me:  "Has Marvin talked about how he feels about end-of-life?" I said, "Oh, yes. For years he talked about ending his own life; he didn't want to live this way."  

     What had I just said? It hit me---this existence is not what Marvin ever wanted. The logical follow-up question was, "So, why am I trying so hard to keep him here?"

     What we know in our heads often seeps slowly into our hearts and souls. It is one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I've done some really hard things in this relationship. I must let him go.

     I am so, so grateful for Life Model Works, and for Joy Starts Here, and the skills I have learned. I feel like I'm in a workshop, and I'm just learning how to transition from one reality to another. Learning to feel my feelings, to express them, to allow pain, suffering and JOY to exist simultaneously inside of me. I never knew that was possible before LMW. 

     My goal these days: INCREASE my JOY CAPACITY...more visits to Puget Sound and the Olympic Peninsula, listening to ferry horns and sea gulls...more talks with loving, supportive family and friends...more water walking and relaxation...more music that I love...more REAL laughter...and yes, more counseling, prayer, and times of quieting myself with Him.

     I am thankful for all of my family and friends who are so supportive of our journey.

     

A Signature

    It started with a discussion in a case management meeting: Marvin is losing weight, about a pound a week. Several things may be contributing to that weight loss---insufficient sleep which makes swallowing very tiring for him, not enough aides who know how to feed him and I can no longer go twice a day, and more.
    Someone in our case management meeting asked if we needed to have Marvin evaluated for Hospice. It seemed like a kind of "final" step, but I felt like I wanted to hear what they had to say.
    Today I met with a Hospice worker. She saw Marvin and took his blood pressure, and heart rate. It took her a bit to realize that he could not respond to her when she asked if he was in pain.
    After she briefly examined Marvin, he was put to bed and we went across the hall to discuss the situation. After we talked awhile, I asked her, "So when will you make the determination of whether he qualifies or not?" She said, "Oh, he qualifies."
    Such a simple statement, but I wanted to just curl up on the floor. I held it together and stayed in my chair.
    The forms came next, everything signed electronically. With my signature, I committed my husband into the care of Hospice personnel who will work with the nursing home from now on. I walked out with the 3-ring binder describing everything they will do for Marvin and for me.
     Yes, I am sad, but I am so thankful for what is going to be provided.
     God reminds me that He will always provide what I need...and He has never failed me yet.

Sharing Stories

    Years ago we watched "The Killing Fields" about war in Cambodia. It was filmed in Thailand, and a friend of ours from Missouri was an extra. 
    I just purchased a one month subscription to Netflix, so I could watch a movie I wanted to see: First They Killed My Father. This too, is a story about Cambodia, told from the viewpoint of a little girl. I watched about 30 minutes of the movie, and will finish it later. I was surprised by my reaction this time. I felt the sadness welling up in me...tears threatening to spill out.
    In the 70s, I was in Southeast Asia. I had acquaintances from Cambodia. I went to refugee camps periodically. We even helped a Vietnamese refugee move to the United States where she was sponsored by a group from a church that also supported us. 
    The difference is I am more acquainted with sorrow. I recognize the "dead-pan" facial expressions. I see the deep sadness in their eyes which reflect a life of pain. They are now my friends and I understand better the ravages of that war.
    A family began the walk out of Cambodia to Thailand...a husband, wife, and two sons. The horrors they saw were nothing compared to the agony of the death of one of those boys on the trip. 
    A woman who studied and became a nursing aide heard me speaking Thai to Marvin one day. She replied in Thai, and I learned she had been in a refugee camp in eastern Thailand after fleeing Cambodia.
    Today these people are contributing to the fabric of American life. They have sorrows we will likely never understand. But they are making a huge difference in my life and in Marvin's.