A New Paradigm

     When the Hospice nurse asked me this question, I saw it---I felt it in the pit of my stomach, a shift, a change of paradigm for me:  "Has Marvin talked about how he feels about end-of-life?" I said, "Oh, yes. For years he talked about ending his own life; he didn't want to live this way."  

     What had I just said? It hit me---this existence is not what Marvin ever wanted. The logical follow-up question was, "So, why am I trying so hard to keep him here?"

     What we know in our heads often seeps slowly into our hearts and souls. It is one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I've done some really hard things in this relationship. I must let him go.

     I am so, so grateful for Life Model Works, and for Joy Starts Here, and the skills I have learned. I feel like I'm in a workshop, and I'm just learning how to transition from one reality to another. Learning to feel my feelings, to express them, to allow pain, suffering and JOY to exist simultaneously inside of me. I never knew that was possible before LMW. 

     My goal these days: INCREASE my JOY CAPACITY...more visits to Puget Sound and the Olympic Peninsula, listening to ferry horns and sea gulls...more talks with loving, supportive family and friends...more water walking and relaxation...more music that I love...more REAL laughter...and yes, more counseling, prayer, and times of quieting myself with Him.

     I am thankful for all of my family and friends who are so supportive of our journey.

     

A Signature

    It started with a discussion in a case management meeting: Marvin is losing weight, about a pound a week. Several things may be contributing to that weight loss---insufficient sleep which makes swallowing very tiring for him, not enough aides who know how to feed him and I can no longer go twice a day, and more.
    Someone in our case management meeting asked if we needed to have Marvin evaluated for Hospice. It seemed like a kind of "final" step, but I felt like I wanted to hear what they had to say.
    Today I met with a Hospice worker. She saw Marvin and took his blood pressure, and heart rate. It took her a bit to realize that he could not respond to her when she asked if he was in pain.
    After she briefly examined Marvin, he was put to bed and we went across the hall to discuss the situation. After we talked awhile, I asked her, "So when will you make the determination of whether he qualifies or not?" She said, "Oh, he qualifies."
    Such a simple statement, but I wanted to just curl up on the floor. I held it together and stayed in my chair.
    The forms came next, everything signed electronically. With my signature, I committed my husband into the care of Hospice personnel who will work with the nursing home from now on. I walked out with the 3-ring binder describing everything they will do for Marvin and for me.
     Yes, I am sad, but I am so thankful for what is going to be provided.
     God reminds me that He will always provide what I need...and He has never failed me yet.