Care About the Important Stuff

     Years ago I would begin preparing for my parents' visits almost a month ahead of time. I would clean the oven and refrigerator. I would seek and destroy cobwebs. At other times I cleaned, but not like I did when my mother was coming. Somehow I felt like I would be judged if something was out of place, dusty, or unkempt.
     As my mother grew older, she couldn't keep up with the cleaning. I visited once and was astonished to find dust on the furniture. It was only then that I realized a clean house wasn't the most important thing; relationships and spending time with people you care about was number one.
     So I'm up at 4:30 this morning, changing sheets for company coming, doing a load of towels, finishing the cleaning jobs I've been working on. I might not get them all done with the other responsibilities I have, but I'll give it a shot.
     I won't sweat what doesn't get done though, because I will be spending time with my beautiful daughter and her husband, and my amazing grandsons, Ryan, Niko, and Chase. They are stopping here on their way out of the country, and it will be awhile before I see them in person again. Gotta make these moments count!
      It reminds me of the story found in Luke where Jesus and the disciples stop at their friends' home in Bethany, outside of Jerusalem. Martha, Lazarus, and Mary have hosted Jesus and his friends many times. Culture dictated certain amenities for guests, and Martha got busy providing. As she worked in the kitchen, preparing a meal for approximately 20 people, she did her best.
     As she cleaned and prepared the food, no doubt, she looked forward to listening to the stories Jesus would tell. But she was stuck and beginning to feel left out and used. Her sister, Mary, ignored all the work that needed to be done as a hostess...she didn't want to miss one word Jesus spoke, so she sat at his feet and listened intently.
     My grandsons are 11, 8, and 4. I've always lived far from them, but kept up through SKYPE and visits. However, I've missed a lot. I know them, but I don't. So, cobwebs and dust might invade, but I won't miss the best parts: learning more and more about these boys, who they are becoming, and how they want to impact their world.
    

God is Good

     Thinking about God's intervention in my life today since it's my birthday, and a good day for reflecting...that's what old people do, you know --- remember the past! Maybe it's because we kind of know what the future holds by this time.
     I am thankful that I was born into a home where I was taught about the Scripture, taken to church, heard people pray. The proverb which says, "Train a child up in the way he/she should go, and when they are old, they will not depart from it." That doesn't mean that what I was taught was perfect. Nor does it mean that I didn't depart for awhile. But God always placed people in my path who knew Him, guided my steps, provided counsel, prayer, and encouragement, and helped me return to Him. A few of them nudged me by their joyful, exciting spiritual journeys that made me desperate to know what they had.
     I am thankful.
     I am thankful for the craziness that came with marrying Marvin Helsel, Jr. 42 years ago next month. So many good times, including our children, Sharon Elizabeth Helsel Bernhardt, and Philip Samuel Helsel. I am thankful for Casey Bernhardt, Ryan, Niko, and Chase and for Carolyn Browning Helsel, Caleb and Evelyn. How wonderful to have a family who loves and cares about each other.
     I am thankful for the friends I cherish from all over the world. What a rich blessing.
     I am thankful for the many jobs I've had so far, and for the bosses, some of whom drove me nuts - but taught me a lot.
     I am thankful for God's provisions in my life - financial when I was worried and fretting; emotional when I was devastated by others; physical when disease and danger camped on our doorstep.
     So many adventures which God used to prune, test, and grow us. Good is good, so good to me. 
    

Should Christians Grieve?

     I've written before about my mother's death, and how I warned my father and brother that I was going to cry. I learned to grieve when she died, allowing myself a daily time to cry if I felt like it.
     Many people in Christian circles talk about positive attitudes, always being "up" and never feeling our negative emotions...like it somehow makes us bad examples to be angry or sad, because Christians are supposed to be happy and positive all the time.
     I understand the havoc a negative, critical demeanor creates in the heart if allowed to reside there and fester. Perhaps the reason we tend to become so negative is that we have allowed junk to accumulate inside, while pretending to be happy on the outside.
     I wish we had a different expectation: that Christians would be REAL, experiencing joy and sorrow, dealing with anger and disappointment in a healthy way.
     The scripture shows people being REAL. Even Jesus was frustrated with faithless people and angry at hypocrisy. He was sad when His friends were grieving, and as He watched entire religious institutions deny the power of God among them, He cried. He became upset. He was REAL.
     Perhaps our reticence to be honest with our feelings has more to do with our fear of being "out of control" if we begin to feel. In truth, if we stuff our feelings, one day we will be out of control with them. They will only stay hidden so long, and when they come out, it's like a balloon exploding all over everyone.
     I am in a quandary. As I deal with my spouse's Huntington's Disease, I feel the pressure to not feel my unpleasant feelings. I do rejoice much of the time, and will continue --- even in death. Because I know that there is no H.D. in Heaven.
     But for now I go from day to day, constantly moving from joy to sadness and back again, as I watch the man I love and have loved (and sometimes not liked so much) deteriorate before my eyes.
    I often need someone who will do what Paul wrote about when he said: "Grieve with those who grieve, and rejoice with those who rejoice." My children do that well, and allow me the privilege to real.
    And God does too. I throw myself on the words of David in the Psalms. I find comfort in Jesus' compassionate preparation for His first followers: "In this world you will have trouble; but take heart. I have overcome the world."
    The words of Paul in Thessalonians help me live in reality as well: "We do not grieve as people who have no hope." I count on that...and my grieving is hopeful of something better ahead!
    

Misconceptions

     I have not blogged for some time, but I'm nudged today to put down some of my recent thoughts.
     I've been writing in journals for 34 years. What do you do with 34 years worth of journals? I've tried to read through them all before, but had to stop. Some things were too painful to relive. But in the past few years I've experienced more and deeper healing, so I'm trying it again. And I'm learning other things about myself.
     I believed and lived a great many lies. Here are just a few:

• to be a missionary, I must be perfect - this seemed to mean that I never missed a day of reading the Bible, praying, and writing. It seemed to mean that I was to be a super-mom, super-wife, super-friend, super-daughter-in-in-law, super-...well, you get the point.
• I was supposed to "forgive and forget" and take care of everyone else.
• I was never supposed to be upset, afraid, or sad.

     I am getting rid of most of my journals this time around. I'm saving a few stories-especially humorous ones or ideas I might want to use as fodder for writing. But why would I keep books filled with a bunch of lies about myself and others? That's a silly thought.
     It's hard to explain how exciting it is to get rid of the evidence of years of "stinking thinking." And how thankful...how deeply thankful I am for the freedom to finally know myself well enough to know truth from other peoples' ideas about me.
     It's about time.